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What an Ahole

It’s so easy to go through life simply going through the motions. When you think about it, just getting by is so much easier than doing things that scare us or require change. I can deal with other people making changes but I’m usually a chicken shit when it comes to instigating change in my own life. It scares the hell out of me and since I don’t even like watching horror movies, you can see how this doesn’t sit well with me.

But here’s the thing – life will always remain the same if you don’t do something about it. You can stay at the same life-sucking job letting it drain you daily or you can grow some balls and put your resume out there. You can sit back miserably as you watch other people pave their own path in life or you can get your ass up and make your own way.

It’s really that simple. And complicated.

I’m a people pleaser. I hate disappointing people. It’s who I’ve been my entire life. I make a lot of decisions based on how they will affect other people, rather than my own wants and needs. And while being considerate of others is a great quality to possess, it really sucks ass sometimes. It sucks feeling as though you can’t do what’s ultimately best for you because you’re living in fear of hurting other people.

Fear has held me back from some of things I’ve wanted more than anything in my life. Fear of failing, fear of disappointing, fear of making the wrong choice, fear of not being good enough. The list of things I’ve not done out of fear pisses me off: pursuing a career in writing, leaving KU freshman year, not learning to play the guitar when I was 16 and had the damn guitar, dropping out of track instead of running harder and longer. It’s not that any of these things were/are particularly difficult for me – but the fear of not doing any of them good enough, or successfully, has held me back. Worth noting: I can play a mean tambourine and an avocado shaker, I will dance my ass off any time or place, I can work sarcasm into any conversation, I’ve mastered some pretty awesome yoga poses, and I’m also raising some kick ass punks. So. There’s that.

My “fearless” tattoo has everything to do with promising myself that I will move forward in my life without fear. That I will take the chances that scare the hell out of me because those usually end up being the best ones we take in life. That I will speak up in times I usually find myself keeping my mouth closed so I don’t hurt someone’s feelings, meanwhile, suffocating my own. I’m exhausted from putting everyone else before me and while more people should probably try this approach to life a little more often, I need to learn to do it a little less.

I’m at a point in my life where I’m done worrying about myself last and I’m completely done letting the things I want most slip by, simply because I’m afraid. It feels selfish, wrong and completely foreign to me but it also feels freeing and gives me endless hope for what’s to come. So here’s to risks, taking chances and letting fear push me forward instead of holding me back.

Fuck you, fear. You’re an asshole.

One Comment

  • Anonymous on Oct 03, 2013 Reply

    Words to finally describe my path. Well said!

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