Blog

Fearless

Got to see Cortland at 1:59am because he apparently read my post and it’s his way of flipping me double birds. So, that’s pretty awesome. I knew better than to brag about the fact he’s been sleeping through the night but it’s hard to keep my mouth shut when I’m celebrating such a fabulous event in my life. I’m sure he’ll have explosive diarrhea in his pants today too. Just to prove a point.

It’s currently 10am and I am sitting on the deck, still in my pj’s and drinking coffee.  One punk is playing video games and two are jumping on the trampoline. I’m sitting here with a head full of thoughts and no idea where to start, or even if I want to. Sometimes it’s just easier to ignore everything going on in my head, rather than attempt to deal with it.

I’m in a tough place in my life right now. Things are changing – some for the better, some for the worse – and I’m not sure which direction I’m heading. And it’s overwhelming and exhausting and scary. And a little bit exciting because who knows what’s coming next? For as uncertain as I am about it all, the thought that better days are ahead is one that keeps me moving forward.

It’s so easy to go through the motions of life and just accept the way things are. That, even though you know things aren’t what you want them to be, it’s just easier to go with the flow than figuring out another way. I’m totally guilty of it. Because I avoid conflict. I avoid sharing for fear of hurting those I love and I guess, I’m kind of a chicken shit. I realize my own shortcomings. I know I need to work on them because I get there is no way to move forward without honesty, even if it hurts. But shit, I hate to be the one causing the pain.

I look at my wrist about 17 times a day to remind myself that I am moving forward in my life without fear. I wish it were that easy to just do but it’s a struggle I face every single day. I know the things that scare me the most can be the best parts of my life, it’s just so hard to remember that in the moment. I purposely don’t typically share anything beyond my punks on here because I don’t necessarily like putting myself out there. While I try my best to accept people as they are, I know far too many people who are judgmental and are quick to make assumptions about things they know nothing about. At the end of the day, I honestly don’t give two shits what people think about me but it’s still hard to really share my life.

At this point in my life I know this: I have to take care of myself. I can’t wait for someone to swoop in and make things better. I’m the only one who can do that. I’m fortunate that I honestly like who I am – I feel this is the best version of me I’ve met so far. I’ve surrounded myself with amazing people who love me, respect me and want nothing but the best for me. So I move forward, one day at a time, honestly, fearlessly and hopeful. The future is what I will make of it, even if I don’t know today what that will be.

XO

Leave Reply