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Adios Summer

Tomorrow is a big day, people. It is the day I shall walk two little punks to the bus stop, take lots of pictures and send them on their way. Of course, I’m meeting them at school because I can’t not walk them to their classrooms on the first day of school but still, school starts tomorrow! The best part of this is that we survived the summer and no one killed each other.

Tomorrow morning will probably be the death of me considering we like to sleep late and spend a good portion of the morning in our pajamas, but the upshot is we’ll get back into a routine. I’m not so good at maintaining routines when I don’t have to. Some think my lack of routine in the summer is an issue, I disagree. It’s called summer and nobody needs to live and die by a routine in the summer. However, my lack of routines is a very good indication that I should never ever home school my punks because I’m pretty sure they’d be stuck in kindergarten and second grade forever. Poor Cort, he’d be a 27 year old three year old and he’d never be able to move out because he’d still be crying all the time that he wants his milk in a sippy cup rather than a stupid, big boy cup. I know my limits so I draw the line at ever considering home schooling. You’re welcome America.

We survived the summer with no broken bones or stitches so I’m giving us an A+ in that area. Emmerson and Ryder learned to swim so that’s another A+. Between Aidan and Ryder there were a lot of hours spent playing video games so I’m giving us a D there. Sadly I had to be a real asshole and limit their playing time to an hour a day because all they did was fight over who’s turn it was and quite frankly, I was sick of listening to it everysingleday. You mess with the bull, you get the horns – that’s me. Learn it, live it, know it, punks.

Also accomplished this summer was the enormous task of getting Cort to go to bed without anyone having to sit in his room for 40 days while he falls asleep. (This is the part where I confess what a loser I am when it comes to playing hardball with my punks.) When he was little he’d go to sleep as easily as I do – put him in bed, turn off the light, give him a kiss and he was out. It was awesome and a really fun trick to show my friends. (I admit, I did show off a little with this trick which is probably why it backfired.) But then one day he started flipping the bird and the only way to get him to stay in bed, and actually sleep, was to sit in his room until he finally fell asleep. While most of you have the street smarts to never go this route, I was desperate and just needed him to go to bed so I’d do anything, short of offering him a glass of wine, to make that happen. At any rate, he was promised a lizard if he’d just go the fuck to sleep for a week and he apparently wanted a lizard really badly because he started doing it. The lizard has since died (a week and half later) but the point is – BRIBERY CAN AND DOES WORK. Not that I like to use it often, nor do I recommend it. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Mission accomplished. Another A+.

Aidan went to conditioning 3 days a week and now resembles a 17 year old boy rather than the 12 year old punk he is. I try to stay on his good side because there is a 100% chance he’d take me down in some wrestling move that I could never get out of and result in a broken hip. I don’t have time for a broken hip and I’m sure it would have a direct impact on my ability to wear heels, so I’m doing what I can to avoid that whole scenario. Seventh grade for that punk tomorrow. It seems like just yesterday he was potty training and peed all over my arm and the wall. Now I can’t figure out if he’s hormonal or just going through an emo phase. Whichever it is, there are days it is absolutely painful and then I remind myself that I, too, suffer from both and we bond over ice cream, chips and stupid shit we find on the internet. Works out well for us. Then I remind him to feed the dogs and he hates me all over again. God, I’m so glad I can never be 12 again.

Some of my friends are all sad because summer is over and I wish I could hop aboard the sad train but the truth is, I’m not sad. I won’t be crying as I send Ryder to his first day of kindergarten but I will be offering him some knuckles and a fist pump as I walk out of the school. I love my punks more than life itself but summer is too long and I’m ready to send them on their way. This is why I firmly support year around school. It’d work well for us. We wouldn’t spend two and a half months like slobs in our pajamas and they wouldn’t try to kill each other every day. A few long holidays here and there sounds perfect. Plus, they’d be smarter because they wouldn’t be frying their brains by spending 12 hours a day playing video games.

In closing, we had a great summer. We accomplished a lot, wore pajamas a lot, got great tans and had lots of fun. Tomorrow I actually have to set my alarm again to ensure my punks make it to school on time and my ass is going back to yoga since I decided to take most of the summer off from it. It really is a win-win for everyone, except the whole “having to get up early” part. That’ll always suck ass.

So here’s to big brains because they cannot lie.

Adios summer.

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